Feelings from the last few months about the NICU

I debated in my mind whether to put this post in the current stuff blog, or this blog. I decided that while these feelings happened recently, it made more sense to put it with the other NICU stuff.

These last few months I have been suprisingly sensitive about Joshua being in the NICU. I know part of it is just that time of year, where I can look back and go two years ago my life revolved around pumping and going to the NICU. But I don't remember being this upset about it last year. Little things set me off like shortly after Minna was born I was in the store and a new baby always brings comments especially from pregnant women. Well I was talking to this pregnant woman and I asked her when she was due. She said she was 28 weeks along and she was due in September. She then said that she wished that she didn't have to go through the whole summer being pregnant and wished that her baby was here now. Now I know she didn't mean that she wanted to have a preemie just to not be pregnant, but something about her being exactly how far along I was with Joshua and then saying she wished the baby was here, set me off. I had to leave quickly to keep from saying something which probably would have been not nice.

I think part of it has to do with the birth of Minna. I thought that having a baby, especially a more normal baby would make everything easier on me. Part of it is just comparing what life with Minna is like compared to what life with Joshua being a baby was like. I didn't realize how difficult it was to take care of Joshua as a baby, I just did it. I knew it was more difficult than having a term baby, and I secretly envied the life of people with term babies, but I just did it and thought it was a little harder than normal.

Then I had Minna and I realized the difference. I really noticed it when I realized how easy it was to take Minna somewhere. To go somewhere with Minna I just need a diaper bag with diapers and wipes, a carseat, water for me, and a nursing cover. When Joshua was a baby I needed the diapers and wipes, the binky (not really a big deal, except I forgot it one time, and then it was a big deal), the carseat, and a stroller to haul around the apnea monitor, and the oxygen tank, and either a nipple shield, or a bottle of pumped milk to feed him with.

Then to get Minna to nurse I just need somewhere to sit to get her hooked up, and some water and I am good to go. (Sometimes I am literaly going chasing Joshua around while nursing). With Joshua I had to put on the nipple shield, which was sometimes harder than attaching the baby, weave the oxygen tubing through my clothes so it blew around his face, and then try to get him to nurse. Nursing was a project, but a large part of that came from his enlarged andoids and I also realize that nursing Minna is easier because I have nursed before.

I think that Minna's birth gave me the chance to fully recognize the feelings of stress and worry I had about Joshua. I am grateful that Joshua's preemie experience went realitively well. And this rant has made me feel better. I am glad I finally got around to it.